jon and kate plus octo-8

I have lived in La Habra my whole life, give or take a year. I love it. I love it because it small, and obscure and it’s claim to fame was Paul’s King of Big Screen. Which I am not even sure if Paul lives here though. But now I have to speak up. Now, because we are now land of the Octo-Mom.

I speak this because I don’t even think I can be mad at her. It’s not her fault she’s bat shit crazy. I mean look at her. She looks bat shit crazy. No, we have to look at ourselves and see how we failed her. How we live in a system that can let this happen. In fact, being a little bat-shit crazy I can sympathize, and being that she needs money I think that she should think about suing these people in order to get more money, and maybe she can finally move out of the place I call home.

1. TLC: The Learning Channel, not the 90’s group. The channel that has made me see little people as big people, and has made me obsessed with Jon and Kate needs to stop. Of course people are having puppy litters now. Why? Your channel keeps on pumping us with baby mania. I think all these shows encouraging people with big families. I can’t even watch it anymore. I swear that I have become Brooke Sheilds with post-partum depression just by watching these shows. These ladies poor vaginas. Please stop. With the babies. Please stop putting them on. Poor Octo-Mom doesn’t realize that Jon and Kate plus 8 work because people like asian kids. They’re cute. On the positive side being a single mother she doesn’t have to worry about her husband running around Pennsylvania making out with college girls.

2. Angelina Jolie: Miss Jolie. Wake up. Your united nations-do good- Brad Pitt-stealing- big lip face is a natural attraction for craziness. I know that now in the autumn of your life you have decided to keep quiet, but guess what the next time you get a tattoo. It should be a warning label. That says Hey bitches, stop trying to be me. First of all there is not money in this world to make you look like me, and secondly my father is an actor. I was always going to have a good life.

3. Doctor: Why would he do this? Enough said.

4. Republicans: It is the Republican party that has been scared of socialism for so long. It was raegen that cut funding for mental health and let me tell you things have been getting crazy since the 80’s. The Republican party has been doing nothing, but saying we should live as we choose, but let me tell what that the country that breeds socialism does not breed eight babies. You know what I’m talking about China.

Because Octo-Mom is just doing what most bat-shit crazy people do, it’s act like bat shit crazy, but I’m she’s just hoping she does in another city, and not the place I call home.

he’s just not that into you, Rihanna

I have always loved Rihanna. I remember back a year ago when people said they did not want to hear UMBRELLA one more time I still played it.

I just thought what an excellent role model.

But I have to draw the line somewhere.

I want to shout to the heavens GIRL, wake up.

I feel that maybe when Greg Beherendt wrote, “He’s just not that into you. “ He left out the chapter that said He’s just not that into you if he beats you to a pulp. He’s just not that into you if he’s mad that you read a text from another girl, gets caught, and tries to kick you out of the car, and when you don’t, he beats you, and then you call the cops and then he threatens to kill you.

I know that young love comes in many forms, but what are you gonna tell your kids oh it’s nothing, I ran into a wall.

It’s always amazing that girls don’t press charges on their man, because in the end of the day, The girl goes to jail for fighting back. That one hit starts out as a snowball, but soon its an avalanche that comes catapulting down until you have no actions left besides getting him drunk, or poisoning his dinner and then burning him alive in your bed.

Do they not get Lifetime in Barbados? Do you need Meredith Burney Baxter to play you in a movie until you get some sense knocked into you. Or did his fist alter your thinking and make you forgive him.

Rihanna, you were so close to be on top and staying there, and you sold it all out to be the next Whitney Houston. You saw what Bobby did for her.

Crack is whack. And so are you.

I just hope you see that just because you’re a good girl gone bad, doesn’t mean your not a good girl who can go smart.

The Mother Bail-out

 

 

I love being an American. At times I frown on the decision, but for the most part I am a baseball watching, American-pie eating, I would shoot-one-if-I-had-one-gun-totting-American.

 

But it wasn’t until I did some real soul-searching (it always happens that way right?) did I find out why.

 

I have always been bailed out. My whole life has been put on vacation mode. Sure I am hard working when the time calls for it. And that is usually the last 3 hours before the deadline. I am also perpetually 10 minutes late.

 

Life has always come too easy for me. If you didn’t know better it might surprise you that I have never held a job longer than one year, I have never had to study for a test, and I know everyone in a room. I have never had to worry about anything in life.

 

Until now. On the eve of my graduation I am doing my best to build my resume so I to can find a job. In the midst of a recession I am shaking in my boots that I might not have the life I have always desired. In the wake of always being dependent I am trying to find my own way and I am wondering is it too late?

 

I think the reason is I am America.

 

My life is the symbolic reason for our downfall. I have spent money that I did not earn and have gained debt. I am looking back the years of my life trying to find out where I went wrong and I am finding that I went wrong everywhere.

 

I am also seeing that Barack Obama is like my mother. A beacon of hope that is trying to do all that they can to help me, but the problem cannot be fixed without me taking responsibility.

 

It is a new day and change is here. And as the Americaphile that I am I am pledging to do my best to contribute to a society to make it one of greatness instead of a country of the over-privileged.

 

I know I say this with great calmness. I know that the situation is much more complicated than a pledge.

 

But like I said I am confident, and like all-Americans I am not too worried because things just fall into place.

The Sein-Hills Chronicles

Season Four of The Hills debuted last night and in some ways I feel like it has been going on forever. I feel that I have invested part of my formidable mid-twenties identifying with a group of girls that I will probably never meet. I sort of like that. I sort of like this voyeurism that has been engrained in me. Just give me three more episodes and my life will be surrounded by nothing but dreams of sugarplums and Heidi Montag dancing in my head.

 

But there’s always this argument of people who think they are better than me, and the rest of the millions of people, that tune in faithfully every Monday for a half hour to dissect this weeks actions. I feel persecuted in this way. Like it so much better to tune in to Lost and dissect the lives of these castaways and their polar bears and their unknown monsters. I never got into Lost because well I see it as Gilligan’s Island 2.0.

 

 I would rather have this nostalgic feeling of watching a city I grew up in transform into a city I didn’t know existed. The creator of The Hills has turned Hollywood into an island. They have made it seem to the outside world that this place is bigger than it actually is. Ad they made it seem beautiful. They’ve made it fake.

 

And we all know that. But it seems crazy that people are appalled that this show is fake. Maybe because their confusing reality television with reality. Reality television is a show that is staged unscripted, but it goes further than that. It is a show about nothing. In a whole season nothing really happens. The only thing is that more characters are introduced. The Hills is just on big case of nepotism. I just hope Justin Bobby has a brother.

 

But I am here to make a declaration. I think the Hills go where Seinfeld couldn’t. I here constantly that Seinfeld is a show about nothing. This isn’t true. Seinfeld was a show about something. It was a show about the human character that is in all of us. The asshole that tortures us and the friends that stick around. Where is with The Hills is a show about Lauren Conrad and her boring friends and boring lives and how money and beauty and an MTV contract can give you success. It is what the kids on The Real World were dying for.

 

 

We watch nothing because it is interested. This is what Jerry and George were pitching, but they just didn’t know yet. Maybe when Larry David first realized that the shows premise half the cast of The Hills hadn’t been born yet. See Elaine, George, Jerry, and Kramer had too much substance. In each of their seasons they had character arcs. The Hills have been milking the same conflict for over 20 episodes. And I watch.

 

And I think it just might have to do with the fact Spencer Pratt has made himself scarier and more evil than any monster on an unknown island.

 

 

go for the gold

The Olympics have always been close to me and by Olympics I mean swimming and gymnastics. I think those are the most exciting, track is in there too, but like I said I have my sports.

 

I think the big talks this year are Michael Phelps, but I sort of was over it. I love setting records, but I also love the underdog story. I like any of those mini true Hollywood stories they do Olympic style, you know what I’m talking about. I haven’t really seen any lately.

 

But in between the men’s relay smoking the competition, I watched the girl’s gymnastic blow it for the Gold. I know silver isn’t bad, but you know how I feel.

 

This is what I noticed. I don’t know any of their names. I think before me and my mom could rattle off names like Miller, Strug, Moceanu, Dawes, Chow, Borden, and so on. I even knew players of other nations. But not now.

 

I like the idea of Lhukin and Johnson, but I feel like I haven’t connected with them. I also feel like I like them because their parents are gymnast and their coaches are Chinese. But what I was noticing is there were no smiles. I didn’t see one shit eating grin at the Olympics. I saw it on the faces of the Chinese, but not ours. Ladies we want you to stick it with a Wheaties box smile.

 

During the beam when Alisha Marcione, or Marscopne or whatever fell. I thought these girls are too old. This girl can’t keep her cool because she realized its over she will never have another Olympics. And Bella Correli agreed. At 19 there’s no way to keep your cool once you eff up. To tell you the truth the Americans are always crying at the Olympics. They need to start the no baby contract under pressure. I feel like their tears represent all the childhood things they missed out on and once they can’t stick it on the horse they feel like they lived their life in vain. Plus I think if the other countries are gonna use small girls so should we. Did you see Shawn on that balance beam? Hello baby feet.

 

The other thing I notice is that everyone is pretty much acknowledging that China is cheating by using fake passports for these girls and no one seems to care. I heard one announcer say that this is one of the little girls that got taken from her parents at the age of 3. I was mortified.

 

Why isn’t there an organization to protest these girls? Why aren’t we doing all we can stop these little girls from being taken? We get mad when there in sweat shops, but when there going for the gold its ok. I feel like there should be a mass boycott. There should be an amendment to these rules. I’d start this but knowing the state of our country it just might break our patriot act. And this girl does not do well with wakeboarding I doubt I’d do well with water boarding.

Here’s Jimmy

My mom has the worst taste in movies. I know because she is constantly asking me if I’ve seen any movie staring Tim Allen and John Travolta riding on a hog. She is also raving about any movie that has a black man dressed up like a fat old woman. Needless to say any movie I tell her to watch. She hates. Unless it’s a chick flick then I’m golden.

 

But recently she has been harassing me to rent The Bucket List. I am not going to. First off any movie that is a vehicle for cancer already has me running to the doctor in fear that I can catch it through my movie screen. In fact typing this right now is causing me to think that I am a candidate for cervical cancer.

 

But she’s a champion for Jack. And I hate to come out and say it, but he sucks now. Is that wrong? Don’t get me wrong I love that crazy grin just like anyone else, but I can’t take it anymore.

 

I don’t want to see him fuck Diane keaton, I don’t want to see his butt, or watch him die. I like my Jack courtside wearing glasses at night. This is just how I feel. It hasn’t always been like this, but after seeing AS Good As It Gets I realize that his movies are crap. Let me take that back. But not the Departed that was great.

 

This is the same way I feel about Robin Williams. But with Robin I’m thinking he made those bad decision when he was drunk. But it makes me sad because it wasn’t always like this. And then I think back to Clueless when Breckin Meyers says he should leave his parents alone about the Stones cause that is the way my kids are gonna feel about Nirvana.

 

And I totally know what he was saying because I see it happening now. At the show I saw a preview for Jim Carrey’s new movie which is essentially just Liar, Liar, but tweaked and I heard laughs but not from the younger crowd. Jim Carrey is the new Jack Nicolson, Jim Carey is the new Robin Williams. Jim Carrey may not be funny to my kids.

 

And it will probably be the same thing with Adam Sandler. In fact it is already happening with Adam Sandler. Hello Spanglish.

 

This make me sad because this just means that I am turning into my mother faster than I expected. And instead of saying Here’s Johnny I am going to tell my kids Alrighty Then. And my kids are gonna tell me I have no taste in movies. 

my independence day

July 5^th, 2008 was a monumental day for me. A day of freedom. I know one might be thinking surely she means the 4^th, no not me surely I mean the 5^th. You see the 5^th became to day I got to legally possess a gun in my possession again. This does not mean I bought a gun, or does not mean I have a gun. It just means that if I choose the gun is all mine. You see I had a five year restriction placed on me. It happened after the faithful night when I was twenty and had a mental breakdown. I have never really shared this information with many. Especially never truly wrote about it. I feel now what have I got to lose, except a job after my future employer decides they want to google me and read all my exploits on myspace, facebook, friendster, gay.com, the list just goes on. Anyways the short of the matter is that I went crazy. I know me right, It couldn’t be. Then I decided to take a 72 hour vacation that left me with a couple of prescriptions and the right not to bear arms.

 

This shouldn’t even matter right? Guns are bad, right? I guess, but the heart of the matter is we are allocated certain rights in this nation and when they get taken away a litlle bit of freedom is taken from us. I’m not talking about the violations of our American rights with the Patriot Act, and waterboarding, and cameras on stop lights. No, I’m talking about our constitutional rights. The one old Tom, George, and the rest of the white hairs were writing when they weren’t banging their slaves. The one that said that I can make a militia and own a musket and hold court and be as racist and hateful as I want while spouting off misquoted bible verses. God, I love America. I love the land of the free.

 

And let me tell you when a person is denied the right to vote, to own a gun, to marry, they aren’t whole. This is what makes this country great. Our progression towards doing the right thing. Even if it does take 100 years to reach liberty and equality we do it. So what if our gas prices are up We have a black man running for President. The day is coming for change. Gays can marry in California, the only state that truly matters. We are reaching change and all it took was a war and a failing economy. But who cares. We’re here. And now, so am I.

 

So, Happy independence day. I say that smiling for the first time in 5 years. I can now own a gun and watch a Will Smith movie in peace.

one dirty goodbye

I’ve recently thought that my ink ran dry on my writing. As someone who’s life ambition is to write I just felt burnt out and void. I think in an atmosphere like college, especially at my age, peers are more rivals, than colleagues. Always putting down creativity. I just really haven’t done anything, but maybe get used to a new dose of celexa. But I think with the news of Tim Russert passing it was the initial spark of knowing that life was too short not to fulfill your dreams.

 

I am no fan of politics. I’ve learned to shut my mouth on certain issues. But I am always fascinated by news anchor. Especially those men on cable who are over 40, and go ape shit during elections. It really just gets me going. I can watch it for hours. Tim was like that for me. Butt his sadness only got the brain turning. It only got the juices flowing. I still sat their watching TV shouting out hilarious, banter as if I were auditioning for a new version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and yet never writing any of it down.

 

As a writer who is fascinated by pop-culture, if the joke comes and is not told, then it is no longer funny. It’s no longer relevant. Or you have to wait a couple years when it becomes nostalgia, like Lou Bega. I think it’s time for some Mambo Number 5 jokes.

 

Then came the news of George Carlin. I was shocked. I received it via text message like I had with Heath Ledger. And all I thought was that is so sad. I am never going to meet Tim Russert or Heath Ledger. I know that it probably wouldn’t have happened, but now it’s a definite no. I am never going to say one of the seven dirty words to George Carlin. Never.

 

In 7^th grade I had a story where I married Brad Renfro, well sadly that will never happen. Death is so imminent. I just think for me celebrity was all I wanted to be as a child. It was the fact that they had ambition. No one in my life ever had ambition. Also in my life I have hardly have experienced death.

 

As a child of the 80’s television was my nanny. And all these actors were other kids at daycare. That is why when I finally got to talk to Jodie Foster, it wasn’t scary, but rather a camp reunion. A humiliating one. You see because we may have been together in the same “metaphorical” daycare, but she has like a billion dollars. And I Have, Well I have a resume that reads jobs Sports Chalet and Starbucks. I have abused my talents.

 

But not anymore. These deaths have showed me that life is too fragile to waste my talents. Life is too short no to publish a blog on the internet and not let 12 people read it. Life is too short not to have ambition. That is why Tim Russert you have made me want to be successful. That is why when I die after a life remaining of achievement. I will get to heaven and finally say Fuck you George Carlin.

the perfect date

Dating shows have always been a fascination of mine. I think it goes back to playing Studs at day care. I’d be the host and never the contestant. I don’t know. I guess the idea of being vulgar in public never appealed to me. Living in the O.C. it was a delight to get to see familiar friends siblings being cast to find a date on the small screen. But it was high school it that took the cake. One of my best friend’s hot brother was on Temptation Island. Not only that he was Mandy’s dream date. We all wanted to know if he sealed the deal on national t.v..I would like to know id syndication steal haunts many at night. I also envied the lives of those rock hard abs and blonde hair, I will never know the joys of, but I could sure watch. Back then it was only a few. But now there’s everyone.

 

Now, I cannot stand dating games or shows or debacles or whatever else they are called. Now they’ve turned into a travesty. Before sexual innuendos seemed almost dirty watching before. Seeing clips of Chuck Woolery saying “whoopee” almost seems like a nostalgic time before corporate television monster of today raped the genre and left it to be no more than a drunken orgy and an hour elimination ceremony.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I live for camp television. I love camp. I remember the first time I discovered the word. I was 14 in honors English and my wonderfully superb I think closeted teacher made me do a critique on Edward Albee. He was camp and I was born. But there becomes a thin line when camp becomes ludicrous and ludicrous isn’t what we strive for. I cannot stomach them anymore. Every night watching with my guy, he shakes his head and sayd “they’re not even trying to be ironic.”

 

I couldn’t agree more. Where did we go from making whoopee to indiscreetly fellating a hotdog by seeing how many they can fit in their mouth. It doesn’t stop at hot dogs, no it meatballs, bugs, pie, whatever else that can be a vulgar doppleganger.

 

The people are just so sociopathic on the show too. I just want to scream. People its not that hard to go to the clubs and get on the list. rJust call. Now they are jeopardizing their morals to kiss the most despicable people. Thee are reason why these pseudo celebrities didn’t find love. They were egotistical douchebags that wouldn’t settle because they thought having a song in the Billboard top 40 stood for artistic merit. It doesn’t and it won’t.

 

I can’t even watch. I refuse too. Unless the make one with J.T.T. then maybe I might even try out by sticking as many dirty screws in my mouth to show him I have the right home improvements. But knowing my luck it would be for Brad the older one everyone forgot. Now that would be ironic.

the good the bad the lesbian

Thursday was National Coming Out Day, and I personally did not pay that much attention to it. Not because I didn’t care, but because I really didn’t care. All of my homosexual friends are out and proud of it. It was just a normal day for this “fag hag,” nothing special.

I don’t think I’m the only one ignoring the progression of one of the last sects of
Americans that are denied basic human rights. I’m sure all the conservative housewives dancing along to Ellen DeGeneres are not seeing the greatness of what this day means.

But it is a huge step for those who use the day for its intended purpose.

It is still baffling to think that homophobia is still a large part of a nation whose national past times are composed of sweaty men, ass slapping and the blaring of Freddy Mercury belting out one of his many songs turned sports anthems. And it all takes place on a Sunday, a day regarded as the Sabbath by Protestants.

Now Tila Nguyen is the latest target of conservative rage. Nguyen, who is known to the public as Tila Tequila has a show on, not a surprise, MTV, where she is a bisexual looking for love.

This new level of vulgarity, which has brought a higher level of sexuality to the small screen, has sent religious communities into an uproar. Along with myself.
I’m enraged because this show, which is as risqué as it appears to be, is proof that MTV couldn’t handle a Lesbian dating show either.

This has happened before. “Boy Meets Boy” was supposed to be groundbreaking-all-male dating show, except the zinger was that some of the males were straight. There’s always a catch when it comes to homosexuals dating on television.

The common assumption is that their practices are too sexual and promiscuous.
People in the gay community are no different than straight people, there are drug abusers, devoted members of the church, those who are too ugly to get a date and some that just want to find a partner and start a family. Everything they feel, we feel. People don’t realize how much hurt we cause our gay brothers and sisters.

This war against vulgarity and a lifestyle full of sin isn’t against homosexual people, but against the media who are at fault for airing this trash.

This goes back to the days of performers like Ray Charles, when African Americans were being discriminated against, but could still entertain us.

Hello, gays this is happening to you. We allow the Fab Five to come into our homes, but won’t let them design their own weddings. If anything, these people love each other so much they are fighting to save an institution that is deteriorating in front of our eyes. We marry because we are in love. That is what I want to believe ideally, but it’s hard when Pamela Anderson on her third marriage.

In this world with superficial expectations I don’t know that we are actually ready for a dating show with real butch lesbians.